Faking Normal

I wish I could say that I was excited for Christmas break thinking that I was going to get in alot of homeschooling things done that I didn’t think the girls were getting enough exposure to.  Boy was I WRONG!!!!  I am going to be lucky to survive Christmas break.  Big M decided the week before break to loose it big time.  The complusiveness, impulsiveness and behavior issues have gone crazy.  We tried new medication and that made it worse so tomorrow we try another med.  I am just hoping for some stablity during the break.  Whenever Big M starts to cycle I think Little M feels left out so she needs some extra attention also.  Yahoo!!!!  We did make it to the library today but barely…. Tomorrow is another day.

you must be wondering if I am ill.    But actually I have been feeling better than ever.  Things have really been a struggle for Big and Little M, but especially me since moving in June.  I guess it is their age this time on how aware they have been and the challenges we have encountered on this move.  I myself didn’t fully understand the impact on myself until recently in a journal.  While the move was an awesome change and chance for us it has been  without it’s ups and downs.  As I am finally starting to get my feet under me and understanding myself how have I been able to expect my children to  understand where they fall in emotional roller coaster?  While we will keep plugging along and trying to become stable with all of the changes I am shooting for some balance on/right after our year anniversary of the move.  But it gives me time to reflect and rediscover our family unit. During this time of year I have to really remind myself of what I have and how AWESOME it is.  I tend to get into feeling sorry for others and dragging myself down.  When truly I am the most blessed and luckiest person alive.

So I picked on a friend yesterday for not keeping us up to date on her life and realized that I rarely get her to post.  Not that I have as many (if any) followers that she has.  But I understand how life gets away from you.  While my girls are both in public school I still am waiting in the wings for them to say they don’t want to go anymore and start happily homeschooling them as I have wanted to since it was brought up by my wonderful friend Maura ALL those years ago.  I also know that it is a matter of time.  I already see the struggle in my youngest. She is maintaining but not for long.  She just needs to get over the friend thing and that will be soon.  I can’t complain this year for my oldest daughter she has the most AWESOME teacher I have ever met.  I have been blessed a hundred times over with her having Big M in her class.  Little M on the other hand has a teacher that is more into scrapbooking than making sure her students are getting what they need.  But I go in a direction that I need not travel.  I am looking forward to doing some homeschool type things when winter break rolls around.  I am hoping to get a day that I can take the girls to the Denver Mint.  I think since they are already learning about money it would be fun to put something visual to it.  Then there are a couple other places I would like to tour with them.  I think they would enjoy seeing/smelling Celestial Seasoning especially the peppermint room and I am sure that I can find other things.  Little M is really interested in finding out more about Molly Brown.  We don’t live to far from her “summer” house and drive by it often.  So there is my rattle and confession that I must work at being better at posting even though my girls have not come home yet….

Today I write because I am exhaust with life.  I think life would be better if I lived in the middle of nowhere.  I struggle today with the outside world.  My girls struggle to fit in a place where people do not understand them nor do they try to understand.  I become more exhausted with dealing with outsiders/family members in life then with anything my kids can throw my way.  Unfortunately my children have been getting the shaft of my frustrations with life outside.  I guess the good thing of it is that it brings me back from trying to lead a normal life to making sure I am doing the best for them. 

Even though my desire is still to have my children at home with me and to educate they are in public school.  Much too long of a story to go into details but I am holding out because I know they will be home with me soon.  My children have learned so much still starting public school.  Just a few things that make me really excited is that they have figured out how to steal and are getting really good a lying.  Ugh sorry for the venting I just feel this is my only space to “communicate” without having others tell me how wrong I am.  Now back to your regular scheduled programing.

I was exchanging emails with a friend of mine that was actually a client of mine first.  We spoke at the end of the “school” year last year about the struggles her son was having.  As she put it she had the school on speed dial.  I spent the first few months of summer trying to get her to look into homeschooling.  I really think that with his disabilities he would do so much better learning at home.  Well she told me in an email from yesterday that they had enrolled him in a private school and thought that it was going to work out.  Then the email came today things are not working out……why are people so hesitant to look into homeschooling? 

Just an FYI on our situation this year my kids begged me to go to school, alot of pressure and “talk up” from anti homeschoolers about how great school is.  So against my better judgement the Big and Little M started school last week.   I know that you will all be surprised to hear that I am already struggling with the school system.  I have gotten into it with the Special Ed department, and the principal.  Something that has really be beneficial for Big M is repetition so I asked to BUY the books they are using at school since the teachers are not allowed to send their classroom copies home to help her at home.  I spoke to the principal directly about the purchase, and you would have thought that I was asking her to purchase heroin……Do they not have parents that are actively involved with their children’s education?  I mean they send homework home????  What is up?

 But I want all of you homeschoolers out there to know what you are REALLY missing in the school systems (incase you were wondering haha) …..the first week of school Little M found out that she was “pimpin’ ” and that her Gym teacher had them all walking and shakin’ it.  Big M was told 3 times that she was stupid by another student, and then she had to be told by the lunchroom “watchers” that she needed to bring her own milk from home (she has an account with money in it).  Big and Little M are both still asking to go back and we have talked about correct language, being at school to learn and speaking up for ourselves.  But I am sure by Christmas I will have had enough of the system and they will be back home.

 I am homeschooling them while they are at public school anyway.  We are currently reading Henry and Beezus chapter by chapter and writing about what we have read along with a picture to go with it.

blogging than I have done.  I thought I was going to be publishing all these great insights and experiences with my daughters and frankly I just haven’t had the time.  My hats off to all of you that can keep up with all of this.  I am still trying to figure out how to get pictures posted….as for the move we have been packed and out of our house with stuff in Big M on the other had is maintaining at all levels and is interested in all of it.  I must say that I find myself frustrated with the lack of retention  in the money department though.  I would think from my experience of money as a child that it would be exciting and interesting to get an allowance, save and spend some of it, but it seems like it is just a HUGE painful chore for all of us to deal with.  I would love some feedback and suggestions on it if you have any. 

Well, after getting very frustrated with not finding the house and all the driving I have been doing lately, Grandma and Grandpa offered to let us move in until we found our house.  So the packing began the middle of last month.  I am always amazing at the crap you have to go through when you move.  As a kid I moved often so I learned early on only keep what you need.  I am not sure why this time seemed like I had a house that had 50 years worth of stuff to go through.  So we moved yesterday but not before we found out the day before that our offer was accepted on our perfect house. So I got to move stuff into storgae to in 30 days to re-move into our new house.  Ugh!!!!  Certainly can’t do anything easy….just waiting for Big M to start loosing it. 

Wow, May is almost over time goes by so quickly.  I am on a couple of chat groups and the mom’s have been reflecting on what they wish they had done different as they children are getting ready to go off to college.  They wish they hadn’t wished that their children start walking so they didn’t have to carry them around, they wish that they had worked less and spent more time with they children when they were younger…..and I must say that while reading their posts and reflecting on my past and things that I wanted from my Mom, I am grateful that I have choosen to do things differently.  I didn’t want my youngest to stop needing a bottle even though she choose to REFUSE it at nine months.  Yes that is right my baby was drinking formula out of a sippy cup hehehe I told you “faking normal”.  I am grateful that I want to spend the time with my kids instead of working extra to pay for sending them to something to be away from me… I love that my 6 and 7 year olds still want to sleep with me all cuddled up and cozy.  I am glad that I am spending time with them instead of reflecting back in 18 years wishing I had done it.  I am thankful that I have learned from others the things that I want to be different…I want to be the Mom that has fresh baked cookies waiting for them in the afternoon, I want to be the house that all the neighborhood kids come to, to play and talk with…..and I feel that I am heading in the right direction….

While the girls and I have seen a few flowers blooming we have seen and felt more weeds.  I think both girls have gone through more tissue this year then all winter long.  Ofcourse it doesn’t help having the typical Colorado weather either.  One day it is 40 degrees the next 80 degrees.  We are still house hunting but hopefully there are more on the market with spring here.  The houses I have seen should be buldozed and started over. I am looking forward to the girls having a great classroom this year. So on with the search for the perfect house. I think we are going to spend most of the summer at the art musuem and seeing/learning about the different exhibits.  My oldest is really showing some artistic abilities.

as a child I never thought time moved fast enough.  I was one of those kids that laid in bed all night wide awake waiting for the next day.  Now as an adult I blink and the day is gone.  I wonder how my children perceive time, if it is going as fast for them as it is for me or if it is slowly passing like when I was a child.  I can’t believe that May is already here.  It doesn’t help with trying to live in limbo looking for a house to get moved into.  Do I pack this if I do will I need it?  Then part of my New Year’s resolution this year was to spend less, save more.  Not to just talk about doing it but actually doing it.  Along with involving my children.  This year at 6 and 7 years old they started savings accounts and earning allowances.  Hopefully to give them an idea about money and the cost of things I know stretching it with  FAS kids.  We seem to be struggling right now with understanding about utilities, shutting off lights, not standing with the refrigerator door open, shutting the water off while brushing teeth and having a timer for taking a shower.  I feel that I am starting to sound like my Mother “were you born in a barn?”  I guess I haven’t gotten to that extreme yet but I am sure if I had my kids would just look at me and wonder what the heck I had just said and why. I would love comments and suggestions about what has worked for others if you stop by to visit.  As for the vase painting we did that this morning.  They turned out pretty cute until they got tired and bored with it. (They only painted 4 of them) I took pictures but getting them here is the trick.